my head on a plate

last time

2011-08-31T00:02:00.002-05:00

with mixed emotions

2011-08-26T00:52:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say that I think it's time I settle into being single. I'm to the point where the whole "better to have loved and lost..." thing is nothing but a load of crap. I think I've lost enough. The best course of action seems to be accepting who I am and realizing that a vast number of things will most likely never happen for me. I'm ok with who I am for sure but knowing your limitations is pretty important especially at this stage of the game.

move on already.

2011-07-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

I've done it before and I'll do it again. I can't help but wonder, why is this proving so difficult? I mean, I know how I've felt but what I don't understand is why. There's seemingly no real reason to feel this way when, especially now, everything seems so overwhelmingly superficial. The lip service is all bullshit, it's the occasional attitude and actual amount of effort (or lack thereof) that tells the real story here. The nagging feelings, compulsive behavior, and overactive thoughts have got to stop. I was pretty sure of turning this corner and leaving those things behind but now the rejection or general disregard is starting to pile up and the distraction wains. It has to be something more than the distraction I need but it's feeling like that's all that it will ever be now. So horribly frustrating.

can't win

2011-05-31T00:10:00.001-05:00

Seriously? So pointless.

soft release

2011-04-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

Only a demo, very close though....

If Only I (working title)

what?

2011-03-20T03:39:00.001-05:00

If you suddenly realize the most impressive thing you've done lately is belch seamlessly while brushing your teeth, it's time to reevaluate.

roll

2011-03-03T00:04:00.000-06:00

If the punches are as bad as they seem all that's left for you to do is roll with them. Stop, drop...

sleep?

2010-11-13T03:38:00.001-06:00

Kinda tough tonight, seems I've got quite a bit on my mind. Yikes

tampa three

2010-10-17T11:04:00.001-05:00

It's less defense and more offense. It's time again for what has become the yearly trip down to Tampa with the 'Cuse dudes. I can be assured there will be lots of eating. I may not be able to avoid starting up running again when I get back just to make sure I'm not 20 pounds overweight or maybe just so I don't die. You surely can't beat the warm weather though. I had started to get used to some of the temps at home but what's nice is that we still get some of those at night here so it's awfully comfortable. I'm excited for what this trip has to offer which hopefully is some well-needed fun but also some R&R. Can't wait! Though, part of me can't wait to come home though after this past week... more soon...

they turned overnight

2010-10-10T22:55:00.001-05:00

I got up a day ago and felt like something had changed. It took me a few minutes to figure out why I was feeling this way. Nothing really stuck me as being any different from say the past 30 or so days. While the temperature was probably warmer than expected that part didn't surprise me very much, it's Chicago after all. What finally caught me, was out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the leaves on the trees had changed all in the matter of one night.

Now I realize there's nothing mystical about this. It happens every year, we learned all about it in science classes. Trust me, no magic whatsoever. In the right light the golden color of the leaves reflects into the apartment giving it a warm color almost a glow. Without a doubt, it's fall. Now I'm not looking forward to colder temperatures but I'd say fall has always been pretty good to me in the past. I'd also like to say it's gotten off to a great start thus far and is only just starting. More (good) things to come...

also,

2010-08-14T00:49:00.000-05:00

I'm an idiot. Yeah there's a shocker, right? The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. Hahah.

dreamscape

2010-08-06T11:01:00.004-05:00

Dreams are often the wild unattainable desires of the sub conscience, whatever is rattling around your thoughts before bed, or the most surreal and macabre things your mind could possibly come up with. They can often be very telling and equally as confusing but are usually forgotten upon waking. However, when you can actually remember them in the morning it leaves a mark on your mind and often keeps you thinking about whether there's meaning to it all. I happen to have had such a dream last night.

The details on the places and most of the people escape me now. However, one fundamental part of the dream has remained with me. It all centered around someone from my life who is not actively involved in it anymore. This alone is enough to wonder why this person was even suspect to dream fodder. More interesting still is that the entire storyline of the dreamscape was learning that this person had died in Florida as a result of a rather suspicious overdose of GHB and alcohol. GHB is commonly used by club kids and ravers for partying but is usually referred to as a "date rape drug". I've taken some courses both in high school and college that warn and talk about the effects of this drug. Here's an example of my mind pooling my resources of odd knowledge to fill out the dream. Why it chose this specific tidbit for the dream is well, random and rather weird. One thing to note is that, to the best of my knowledge, this person is still very much alive.

I recall coming into the information about the death via a cell phone call and remember being saddened by the news but not being overly surprised by it. I suspect this is because of their lifestyle or at the very least my perception of it. The other details about Florida and the circumstances surrounding the death seem arbitrary and insignificant to the story. I remember discussing the news with a great number of people but receive no satisfaction or relief in the repetitive talking about it.

Fast forward to the funeral where I'm approached by their family and friends. Many wonder why I am there while others thank me for being there to pay my respects and to say any last goodbyes. I recall feeling appreciated momentarily only before sensing the piercing stares of a select few who are really displeased by my presence. I awkwardly offer condolences to these very people as I approach them but predictably receive little in return.

I suspect there is a service either before or after but all I can think of is the feeling I have approaching the casket. It's open. I have been to a few funerals that had open caskets so the feeling is not altogether unfamiliar but as a fundamentally Jewish person, albeit non-practicing, this is something that I will never get used to. We (Jews) don't ever have open caskets and seeing their profile as I walk towards it is both unnerving and unsettling.

As I come to the casket my entire body feels heavy and sluggish, like time and motion slow to a crawl in this moment. I sense my heart rate increase and my mouth is dry. I feel a strange almost indescribable mix of emotions wash over me. A subset of these emotions is the sense of sadness, anger, remorse, vindictiveness and the almost overwhelming desire to cry. I don't touch anything and only look down at them for a few moments. My eyes well up but only a few tears stream down before I force myself to mentally bid them farewell and walk away wiping my face. I do so in disbelief after what I'd just seen and experienced.

It's right around then I wake up. While it's not sudden or jolting, I still retain that heavy feeling, some brief sadness and increased heart rate as I recover from the dream state. I immediately know getting back to sleep is going to be damn near impossible. I was already thinking about and going over everything that had just happened in the dream. So what does it mean? Is it psychological, me letting go? Completely random and meaningless? Perhaps rooted in some future event? While the latter is perhaps a little far-fetched I've had feelings of deja vu before, often recalling things I thought I remember experiencing in dreams. I'm in no way psychic or clairvoyant as best as I can tell but I get those feelings sometimes. It's all still quite strange and weighs on me some this morning.

I will probably never know what this all means, in fact I have to accept that I most likely never will. It still remains that it may mean nothing at all. I felt compelled to write about it though if nothing more than to serve as a record to reflect back on later. I do know though that it's something I believe I may think about for some time to come.

incandescence

2010-07-18T23:21:00.001-05:00

If we were all light bulbs, we'd have surely been lit up today. To say it was hot would be an understatement, just like saying that it's been a a little while since I posted. Some days since the last post have been brighter than others but today was especially enjoyable despite the heat.

Meanwhile, I've mostly too busy enjoying everything summer has brought and the usual shenanigans to keep up with posting. It's going to be a busy rest of July and August for music and fun. More to come soon.

owner of a lonely, meh.

2010-02-14T21:07:00.002-06:00

What a waste of a day. The need for a holiday to remind people how to feel and act is kind of ignorant. Why should people with significant others get to use today as redemption for 364 days of not caring like they should. Sure you can buy all those pre-packaged candies, flowers, heart-shaped paraphernalia, go out to fancy meals or kick in the romance, but what's it worth? Everyone who thinks these things are enough to show they care don't deserve the person they're with. So who really benefits from today's rouse? Not couples, that's for sure. More likely it's the one's that have built industry around days like today. So bask in it people, really soak today in because what's tomorrow but just another day...

seems like time

2009-12-31T16:12:00.003-06:00

Well once again it's been an awfully long time since I posted anything to the blog. I think sometimes with all the other social media and other outlets I don't always feel the need to post. Since 2009 is slowly ending tonight, tick by excruciating tick of the clock, it would seem fitting to reflect on the year that it's been. I'm not sure that's really necessary though this time around. I figure that with the year now over and without any real significant revelations or reflections that it'd be more fitting to look ahead to 2010. A new decade, new hope that things are better than last year and the previous ten years.

I do think back to where I was ten years ago and where I am now and realize more than just age and appearance are different. It's almost staggering to think how much else has changed and will continue to do so from here on out. Who I am, where I've been, what I've done all changing dynamically as the years progress. I fully expect that things are even far more different in another ten years when maybe I'll look back to this post and remember where I was "back then". For now though, I will just have to concede another year, toast to the new one and continue to walk the path I've laid before me.

Happy new year everyone, to a healthy and prosperous 2010. Cheers!

fleeting

2009-11-09T00:34:00.001-06:00

Even after coming back from an extended time away from work, these weekend days never seem to be enough. The much coveted, highly anticipated days without having to wake up at a certain time or sit in front of the computer all day seem to fly by. There never seems to be just enough time to do everything you want to. It seems common to fall short on getting things accomplished and never enough time spent recouperating for the week ahead. The beautiful weather here this weekend didn't help at all either. With it being as warm the past few days here in November as it was a lot of the summer it's tough resist finding ways to enjoy it. Did get a few things squared away though which was good, better than nothing with a busy week ahead. Still more to be done, but first things first...

all the days they fade away,

2009-11-04T00:21:00.001-06:00

and all the nights they never felt the same. Well another sucessful vacation in the books. Plenty of great moments in this one but what a rough return to reality. Nothing like coming back to high temperatures nowhere near what you got to enjoy over the last ten days. Watching as nighttime comes ridiculously early, it's a served as a reminder of the cold weather and impending holiday season lurking around the bend. A time when the weather goes from bad to worse and the holidays themselves rattle loose a few things on the way.

There were times when the holidays were significant. They brought about a lot to look forward to with anticipation in being with family, friends and loved ones. Now it seems that much of that feeling is gone only to be replaced with quiet moments of emotional reflection of years past. It seems that much what there was to look forward to has also faded. There is a certain solidarity of being in one of the biggest cities in the world for holidays and to hear the deafening silence they bring as everything grinds to a halt. While I expect a few of those nights this year, I also expect that I'll be counting down waiting for them to be over and usher in a return to normalcy. So for now I wait, and try to hold on to the past week's warm memories to get me by for awhile.

on the brink

2009-10-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

Of another great vacation adventure. People have the capacity to fill their lives with warmth each and every day. Some do it with a bottle, some find it in other people and others still find it in unique locales. I'm going to try a hybrid approach of all three on this trip. The no brainer part was getting out of this soggy cold town and heading to the Sunshine State for as much sun as I can bear to absorb. With high temps that nearly double the highs in Chi the possibilities this week seem nearly endless. Couple that with good friends and some drinks and that's a recipe for fun. It all kicks into high gear tomorrow, check back for the fun I'm having in the sun this week.

doh!

2009-09-29T12:42:00.008-05:00

rstevens is really speaking to me these days, ha!

i'll be anxious arms

2009-08-04T00:27:00.005-05:00

Definitely understated but not too anxious, not yet. An awful lot went just right this past weekend but there's always room for improvement. All that it's going to take is some time and effort moving forward. Only after a little of each will we really know if we have anything worth keeping up. In the meantime, I have to contain some of the nervous energy and excitement and just have fun.

everyday should be this breezy!

2009-08-04T00:12:00.005-05:00

HAHA YES!!

rstevens is officially my hero.

late night love affair

2009-07-23T00:00:00.007-05:00

It's true my personal life is rarely a secret when it comes to this blog but I have to admit to a guilty pleasure. You know, sometimes when the moment is just right you have to get down to business, get a little sweaty and nasty and push your body to the limit to reap the rewards.

Relax, I'm talking about a late night trip to the gym. I've really fallen in love with the 8:30pm and later visits to the gym. Yeah it's a touch late to be going to work out but man, is it awesome. It's a lot less crowded so no one is found hogging machines you want to use, there's less creepy stares and if I actually went into the locker room I would assume there's probably a whole lot less wiener all over the place (YIKES!). Had a nice hour-long workout tonight and it was great, it's even gonna help me sleep better now that I'm all tuckered out. Speaking of which...

never truer

2009-07-20T13:01:00.004-05:00

Sticking to the theme...

Thanx again rstevens.

the cat's out of the bag

2009-07-16T23:31:00.006-05:00

I knew one like this once...

thanx rstevens.

all i really want

2009-06-28T11:57:00.002-05:00

I think weddings are weird. They're a hold over from different times where it was more customary to be married than just to save on taxes. When it comes down to it, it's the culmination point for when you've found the right person for you and vice versa. At my friends wedding this weekend I had sort of an epiphany of what it would take for me to find that person after witnessing it first hand with my friends.

It would take a great woman, someone to laugh with, one that can not only embrace and love, but make fun of what a nerd I am (see previous post). Someone who could enjoy a semi- active lifestyle and also find a way to have fun no matter the ciurcumstance. A beautiful woman, who will dance with me despite my overall whiteness and the fact my awkwardness, inept lack of direction and weird sense of rhythm all collide wildly into 'dance' moves. All while she continues to dance and be sexy even though its the last thing people will think of looking at me gyrate.

She'd have to be my best friend someone who could smile at me for no other reason than it's me she's looking at. To be able to walk into a room with her and see faces light up when they see us because of what we have together. Feeling like you've won the lottery and your friends openly acknowledging this. The very same friends who are like your brothers treat her with the same love and respect they have for you, like a sister, because she demands and deserves it. At the same time, she realizes that your friends are closer to you than family and reciprocates that closeness.

Probably a lot to ask for I know, and this person may not necessarily exist, but why not try to find them, why settle for less?

uh, yeah.

2009-06-26T16:34:00.000-05:00

Revenge of the Nerds: Four Reasons Women Dig Geeks - nuff said.

one year later,

2009-06-21T23:47:00.004-05:00

a solemn anniversary. This is not an anniversary warranting customary gifts, no party or cake to be had, only a grim reminder of mortality.

We lost Dad one year ago. On a day not entirely unlike today, sunny, but balmy and humid after several bouts of rain. It was a day that was more surreal and vivid than any day to that point and any since. In many ways, forgetting some of the images of that day wouldn't be such a horrible thing to dismiss.

We're all well aware that death is an inevitable part of life. You never know when you or those you care about will face death. How you approach and deal with it is what makes you who you are. For someone to have fought to the end like Dad did, that was who he was. It's unfortunate to have lost such a good person, one integral in my life in so many ways. Also unfortunate, yet fitting, to be remembering him on a day reserved for the praise and love that every father deserves. It was however father's day last year that I was able to spend one of the last few good times with him. So today we remember someone who we miss every day, Stuart N. Landerman, beloved father and grandfather, brother and friend.

a month of weekends

2009-06-14T21:44:00.007-05:00

June is really turning out to be an action-packed month. Each weekend this month has my calendar filled with an event or happening outside of the normal softball and socializing. With a triumphant kick off of this weekend the upcoming ones are going to have a hard time rivaling it. It was filled with an intresting subset of old friends and some people I honestly hadn't seen since high school. Good to see most of them but even happier I got out of the burbs when I did. It was great growing up there but never leaving would have been an issue for me.

Indiana next to rock the mint festival on Friday. Peoria after that for Tom's wedding (yikes!).

.:ps- see me again sometime, ok?:.

turning corners

2009-05-10T22:10:00.002-05:00

When things are going well everything has a certain feel to it, a good feeling, one that sets the tone in every situation. It can change how you carry yourself, shape interactions with others and leave you feeling better than ever. To have that going for you is a great thing.

Recently I've come to realize that this is exactly something that is happening to me. It sounds funny but it actually took a performance review at work to come to the conclusion. It's been 6 months now at Kellogg and I'm finally starting to hit stride there. I'm really starting to have a pretty solid grasp of what's going on at work and what I need to be doing. Stuff is finally starting to make sense including where I stand with the coworkers, and that's also going well. I take a lot of pride in what I do and want to be the best I can at it. I truly believe I'm only at the beginning of what's going to be a great employment.

Friends are also something that can change things around for you. I've found myself hanging out with a really solid, fun-loving and genuine group of people that has really come to shape the kind of person I am. We have already had a bunch of adventures and a ton of fun in the process. I see plenty more where that came from in the form of drinks, sports and more home runs (hopefully!).

It's going to be a great summer. (Moving soon!!!)

warmth

2009-04-24T18:16:00.003-05:00

Welcome back! We missed you in Chicago, stick around for a little while this time ok?

So good to have the warm sun on my face again. Even got a mild sunburn at lunchtime, yes!

where soul meets body

2009-04-18T10:41:00.003-05:00

i'm awesome.

2009-04-17T00:07:00.004-05:00

As long as you can convince yourself this any time, any place, you're golden.

Feeling golden.

busy busy busy

2009-04-01T22:25:00.004-05:00

Well in the past few hazy weeks a blog post has been long overdue. I've been caught up in the blitz of March Madness, some amazing basketball (also some awful bball, ugh), illness, band stuff and social obligation both to myself and others. All this extra curricular stuff both good and bad has caught up with me some. This week has been the most time I've spent at home this side of Friday in at least a month. Surely no real complaints to be had since it's been a lot of fun but it has gotten somewhat exhausting and I know that I'm probably paying for it with my repeated bouts of cold symptoms. The weather can't have helped much either though I'm sure, I mean seriously. I know this is Chicago but it needs to make up its damn mind about what's going on out there, snow, rain, 70's, 20's, GET WARM ALREADY! (and stay that way!)

Work's keeping me on my toes too, I'm just now starting to really ramp up on serious responsibilities so retaining everything I can right now is key. I should probably be kinder to my brain cells sometime soon hahah. It's good though, we're all working more closely and things are falling into place, it can't be going better. I'm the acting DBA for two days, we'll see how that goes... more soon on that one...

On the plus side, I got my post-vandalism-insurance-paid-like-new car back today! It's like new, all bright and shiny!! Oh and also there's Squeezable Bacon (I don't care if it's a joke, actual things come from jokes all we need is someone to take this and run!!)

Life is good!!

last night...

2009-01-19T00:21:00.006-06:00

was almost perfect. single-handedly one of the most fun nights of my life. I owe a lot to everyone who could make it out, they are the ones who truely made it a great night. Was a good mix of old school friends, new friends, co-workers, family, it goes on... who really fueled everything with their great company and (almost insane) enthusiasm. As for the others who couldn't come out this time you really missed a hell of a show. I'm sure we'll see you at the next one though.

As for the band itself, I think we have really reached a milestone. A new found sense of unity and drive after the kind of show we were able to put on last night. While it wasn't perfect sound-wise or playing, it was damn good. We now have a bunch of contacts and positive referrals and being able to book more stuff like this should not be as tough. Additionally, Elbo will book us any night we want which is really awesome to have that standing invitation.

Re: taking chances, nailed it, paid off!

taking chances

2009-01-15T23:32:00.003-06:00

What's more important in life, right? I mean, we all inevitably do in some way or another and when the time is right we know. For me, it's right now.

I'll essentially be doing something I haven't done in almost 9 years. Different time and place and the faces are definitely not the same, far from it in fact. Will it come naturally, like riding a bike? Let's hope so! You only get the chance at a first impression once so for a lot of the folks turning out, this is the big one. It's not that it's creating pressure so much as it's the anxiety of going out and having a great show regardless and believing everything will fall securely into place.

Make the most out of the time, have fun, go get it.

light in the dark as I search for the resolution

2009-01-01T23:24:00.004-06:00

2008 sure brought it's share of ups and downs. 2009 is already looking up...

Fresh starts and new things on the horizon. The resolutions are made, now to follow through...

Studio Wrap

2008-12-07T03:21:00.006-06:00

Well here we are on the last night of recording in Indiana. If it feels late it's because it is. The playing has ceased long ago and the hard part of prelim mixing and burning down to cd has been going on a while. Despite the somewhat overwhelming sense of what I guess is exhaustion from playing, drinking and generally being locked away in a small place for the weekend, there's some things to be optimistic about.

There's definitely something cliché about being in a small recording studio in the middle of nowhere isolated from most of the daily distractions. This is surely that, middle of nowhere Indiana recording in an old insurance office with snow on the ground and single digit weather outside. We've spent most of the weekend in separate rooms except to hear our results. It's funny though, this has turned out great and I truly believe that everyones expectations have been exceeded. We have the starts of 4 tracks that people may actually enjoy listening to. Pics and demos soon.

skeleton$

2008-11-07T19:50:00.006-06:00

Hey I know that dude! Man, what a great show... was like a mini High School reunion wrapped in an Indie noise-fest.

keep it klassy kellogg

2008-10-24T10:51:00.005-05:00

hahaha I work for these people... Kellogg students go wild at Field

and in other news, hooray Chicago!

dreams

2008-10-16T23:32:00.004-05:00

I'm not someone who dreams often, primarily because of my odd sleep habits, but when I do it's usually some pretty wild stuff. Lately though, the few dreams I've had have been somewhat nagging. It's an interesting window into the subconscious mind where just about anything goes whether we know it or not. It's becoming more apparent that mine is clouded with hazy thoughts on the past, where I re/construct situations consisting of people and places no longer anywhere near the forefront of my life. Sometimes the themes are repetitive, sometimes their off the wall and more life a Sci Fi movie than anything but most usually wake me to the thought of 'wtf?' Weirdness... I need to sort this one out...

Another dream more realized than ever is one of a musical nature. Playing music again is something I've found a rejuvenated passion for. I've started looking forward to every other week as a fun release and another chance to prove myself and rock out.

forget the frustration, embrace the wins

2008-10-13T02:05:00.004-05:00

It's definitely been a mixed couple weeks. On one hand, the transition from the old job to the new has gone surprisingly well. In the first week and a half I've had way too much to drink while still at work thanks to large cans of Fosters and the weekly keg parties the school sponsors. I managed to score a sweet new backpack and an 8gb usb drive (yes I'm a nerd and this excites me, mostly cause it's easier to watch movies on the dvd player with it). It's also refreshing to work for people who appreciate you enough to take you out to lunch for your b-day, even when they hardly know you. The cool thing though is that I almost feel like I've been working with this group of people for years already, the cooler thing is that there is tons of cool shit to learn and work with. It's strange to be back at a college again but in so many ways this environment is a lot better than Syracuse ever was. Wins.

On the other hand, not being able to share all of this success and enjoyment with dad has been tough. He always worried and wanted things to go well for me professionally and the last he heard things were pretty bleak. The only solace I have is knowing that he'd probably be real proud of this and if he was excited for me working for Sears this would have really set him off. This season of b-days has also been tough. Somewhat lackluster at times despite having a fair enough share of fun here and there. With mine having past and dad's coming up, it's tough not feeling the loss and the haunting flashes of late don't help that feeling much. Bars and stupid people at them have been annoying me lately. I need to figure out what it takes to get past these things and move back to having a good time despite the surroundings, soon. Frustrations.

the final countdown!

2008-09-25T00:54:00.005-05:00

Well folks here it is, I'm approx 7 hours away from being done with Sears for good. Thank god. It's been a hellish week of overnights to go out on, only further justifying and solidifying this move for me. So what's next? Well thats for me and Northwestern to figure out, but there is a lot of excitement swirling around the idea of it all for me. Also, the ability to regain some of my humanity is pretty exciting as well (4 weekends a month instead of 1! as 1 example).

Fittingly, the 'Cuse dudes are back again to visit this weekend which is an excellent way to kick things off. It's kinda funny, I should have them visit more often because whenever they are here it seems like it's right before I start a new job. Same thing happened last year... hopefully though things will go better this year and I won't need to be switching things up again come next year. Not that I wouldn't welcome another visit though...hahah

nyc roundup

2008-09-18T21:43:00.006-05:00

Great trip. (see flickr)

A relatively chill time, lots of time spent in the park walking around and eating good foods and catching up. No complaints though, this trip was less about the place and more about the people. Definitely not often I can be in one place with a lot of my favorite people at the same time. Highlights include disc in the park, cuban sandwiches, watermelon margaritas, Cuervo Gold (ugh), overused lights on strings, natural history, apple, Dayquil, Airborne cocktails, the plague and my first time being questioned over ordering a shot of Jager (is it so wrong to get a nice buzz going before a burger and wings? silly waitress, in my defense Matt totally sabotaged me with this "bar").

Most notably, the amazing Indian food at Milon which could have easily been the other restaurant right next door that is exactly the same. Once you get past the guys at the door trying to usher you into either place, it's the best Indian I've had since leaving Syracuse. All this in an outrageous atmosphere that is reminiscent of a dollar store filled with old party favors, hot pepper & Christmas lights throwing up onto the ceiling of a room smaller than most people's living room (see Tim).

Then I got sick, thanks Jimbo/dirty dirty airplanes! No seriously, thanks to Matt for the couch in Queens and everyone who came out to support Toby and the great art show. I had a great time hanging out and meeting some of your for the first, but not last, time. Great trip.

the light at the end of the tunnel

2008-09-11T21:34:00.009-05:00

Cheers to change!! For those of you who know me best, you may better know this as me having to find something new to complain to you about. Finally an end to the vicious tyranny is in sight and it could not have come any sooner or at a better time. More soon to come...peace out sears!

NYC soon, that is gonna be a-mazing. Feels good going back for another visit after a pretty long time since. An added plus being that I get to enjoy it all with all the oldest best friends many of which I haven't seen in even longer. Mount up!

r&r

2008-08-07T21:46:00.002-05:00

Well after an extended, generally fun and yet turbulent weekend (truely sorry about that) it was back to work today. Nothing like a lame day at the office where absolutely nothing happened to remind you how nice it is to be off. With a slight reprieve tomorrow where I don't have to go into nights just yet, I'm definitely left wondering 1. why didn't I just take the whole week off and 2. why did I even bother going into the office today? Definitely reminds me that I still have a very long weekend ahead of me... On the plus side, football started for the Bears today (rough loss) and the Cubs are still rolling. Could be worse I guess

last remnants

2008-07-27T18:49:00.004-05:00

Today was a particularly trying one in a string of seemingly unending ones. Another day I probably won't forget too soon. We essentially closed a chapter on what can only be described as Plainfield, IL. Plainfield is just like its namesake, plain. It's essentially a "budding" south-suburban town on the outskirts of Joliet and the booming Bolingbrook which sports its brand new IKEA, right in the middle of nowhere. It consists of Dominick's, small strip malls, every fast food chain around and a brand new Super Walmart and Target. All built to handle the droves moving into their cookie-cutter duplex condos and houses, each looking exactly the same as the last, scattered amongst the fields and corporate warehouses.

Plainfield is a place I never called home, but Dad did. I remember moving him in there, trip after trip with van-fulls of stuff even after filling a 30 ft dumpster+ with trash and clutter accumulated after living in Hoffman 10 years. Things were ok for him there despite being as far as possible from from all his family and friends and his steadily declining health, he was generally happy. While I never had a ton of memories from Plainfield the few I have range from great to humbling and everywhere in-between. While the door on this house is not completely closed, with all of the financial and general uncertainty of what is going to happen to it all, my brother and I essentially packed up the last of what we deemed worthy of keeping into a dozen or so plain cardboard boxes and loaded up the uhaul. Packing collectables, items with sentimental value, pictures and memories, the last of someone who's life you shared for 26 years, in plain cardboard boxes.

ungreatful

2008-07-19T01:56:00.004-05:00

There are some people who are handed everything in this life. Most however are not. When things fall into place for you though you have to wonder how it was that you got there. Was it a life-changing event, money, or the influence of those around? It's easy to sit where you are and think "this is exactly where I should be" but completely forget the 5 W's of how you got there. To this I add a 6th 'W', whatever. Because when the other 5 don't matter, then fuck it....whatever.

curse this backwards life!

2008-07-08T02:34:00.004-05:00

When I tell people about my job their first response is typically something along the lines of "oh that's cool" (slight embellishment) regardless of the response, it's usually because they have no clue what it is I do. That's fine with me, it'd be pretty boring to explain and most people still wouldn't get it. It's definitely not anything too glamourous. The one aspect I usually have to mention is that I work from home a lot during off hours. Their focus is always immediately drawn to the idea of working from home, apparently I'm living the dream according to most. That one usually gets the big response out of them, I can't explain how awful it is in reality.

For the second time in as many nights I am completely unable to fall asleep for anything longer than about 2 hours and am obviously up writing this at far too late of an hour on a 'school night'. Coming off of overnights and going into the normal daytime shifts is a rough transition. You end sleeping most of the day because the most you can get working during the night is about a 15-30min nap between getting paged for one thing or another. Essentially my schedule is completely backwards and I'm almost incapable of falling asleep with the rest of the people in the central time zone. SO tomorrow (today) I get to operate on minimal sleep and just hope I get through the day again.

There's nothing cool about working at home if you work awful hours and lose your weekends to it. It gets old, real fast. Forget the fact you lose contact with the outside world for weeks at a time and you don't get to meet or socialize with people. I can only hope to contain my enthusiasm the next time I hear how awesome it must be for me to work from home.

Get some perspective...

2008-07-01T01:24:00.002-05:00

...because it's not always easy to. Look beyond where things are today and know that dim tunnels all have lights at the end. Goals and dreams may change but the failure to keep reaching for what you want out of life ultimately gets you nowhere. Time is truly precious and what we make of it matters more than how much of it we have. Move on, move up... believe.

thank you.

2008-06-30T01:17:00.004-05:00

Generally speaking, this has been one of the longest weeks of my life thus far hands down. I wanted to thank all of my great friends and family who have offered their love and support through this difficult time in my life. I could never have imagined things going down this way and being around you all and speaking to you on the phone has helped a great deal. I'm forever thankful.

The person I ultimately need to thank though is most definitely dad. For all of the great times we had together, all you taught me, your love and support, just everything... all my life. We didn't always have things easy but we sure made the best of it and probably got more out of it than we could have ever imagined. You dealt with an awful situation caused by a worse disease for close to 20 years, something that no one should ever have had to endure. It's extremely unfortunate we didn't get more time but the time we did have will be treasured always. You lived with a passion greater than most and I should be so lucky to mirror even half as much in my own life. I will surely try my best to. You're missed, but you will always be remembered with a smile on your face.

disposable friends

2008-06-04T02:03:00.004-05:00

Friends are the people who you surround yourself with, something more than just mere acquaintances. You can generally be doing about anything anywhere with them and be having a good time. Good ones last a lifetime while others may come and go either by choice or by association. What defines a good friend is one that you can always laugh with, someone who you can confide in and trust, and count on to just be around.

Actions speak louder than words.

It's difficult to claim others as friends when they find entirely new ways to disappoint. No one deserves to be let down by a friend. Whether they've changed or you have, what does it take to keep calling them a friend? At that point, is it even worth calling them one? You start to wonder if it was just circumstance that led you to this friend instead of actual genuine friendship.

In the end, new friends can always be made and true ones remain. There's no need to hold on to something that obviously no longer exists, it would ultimately be delusional and pathetic to try to. Dispose of them like they have so readily of you and move on, no excuses. In the meantime, deal with the consequences and get over it. Fill the void big or small.

one year later

2008-05-08T14:35:00.006-05:00

Well here I am. (partially related to yesterday's post)

I sit only a few days shy of it being a year since coming back home to Chicago. There is really truly no comparison to where I was then in Syracuse and where I am now. In many ways things are far better now than they have ever been including having a real job (regardless of my current feelings about it), a place to live in a great part of a great city and some friends both new and old at my disposal. There is no comparison between Chicago and Syracuse. I left friends and family behind there but I was definitely glad to be leaving after 6+ years and putting a lot of it behind me. I knew that a lot of changes were in store for me in leaving but not of the drastic nature that actually occurred.

Without any doubt in my mind, I am nowhere near where I thought I'd be by now. I spent these days last year packing up and moving everything I have ever really owned primarily by myself, for the 2nd time in 2 years no less. I have never really complained about it and I'm not about to now, I did what had to be done. At the same time though, what I believed things would be like while wrapping dishes and dismantling furniture changed almost immediately the moment I set foot back in Illinois. I look back now thinking "how could I have been so naive in thinking such things?". I can only hope that these changes have happened for a reason but I can't help but still wonder how it could have been in my visions of a utopian Chicago. My experience here has generally been fun but with a lot of haziness and brief moments of clarity sprinkled here and there making it somewhat easier to reflect on some of this now.

Still feels like even though I've moved back home, at times it's less like the home I remembered and believed it would be and more like just the place where I live. Keep moving forward...

circles

2008-05-07T17:06:00.002-05:00

I think more and more things in life all come in cycles like the ebb and flow, peaks and valleys. We run around in circles trying to keep up with things in our lives but what happens today is bound to happen again. Work day (night, ugh) starts and ends only to begin again the next day. Same old shit, different day it seems.

I think I'm really getting caught up in this repetitive cycle where it becomes more and more vicious and frustrating each time around. Between work and life, all of this leaves me in one of those valleys where no positive change seems on the horizon yet, yet. It's yet to be seen how I weather this bout with life and where it will take me from here. Meanwhile, I try to deal with the frustrations of everyday waiting for a break to come in some matter.

All I can do at this point is keep believing in what I want and hope that someday soon it pays off and I am able to break the cycle, remove myself from the circular path, and move on.

it continues...

2008-04-02T17:05:00.004-05:00

Still in Florida, having a great time. We've managed to drive all over this part of the state and have found some decent drinking spots and sunning spots but mostly rednecks, weirdness, and tons of eating... ugh. We've also managed to get some at-home grilling and frisbee at the beach mixed into our routine.

It has gotten ugly though, Justin can attest to that (in more ways than one!) after a wild bday for him. But the adventure continues....(see Flickr)

cheers!

floriduh!

2008-03-30T11:36:00.002-05:00

Man so a wild start to a week of r&r and some mild drinking, thus begins a much needed break.

Well after a rather uneventful travel experience, other than being at the airport 3 hours early, I arrived in Tampa to meet up with the 'cuse dudes. We had a wild trip back to the house with two older folks in the shuttle. The one lady definitely didn't shut up the whole time and it wasn't just us who noticed it. as soon as she left, the guy in the back strung together like 5 expletives complaining about her. Since he was probably in his 80s it was completely unexpected and amazing.

After hooking up the power and the water we were good to go. Except for a minor detail. I went to go toss on some more deodorant and wondered "why did TSA move all of my toiletries?" and then it happened. I took someone else's bag. I'm such an asshole!! I mean my bag is like 5 years old and from Target, I've never even thought twice about grabbing my bag, it's not like its one of those generic black bags with wheels. So after turning around once to get the registration on the '94 Escort wagon, we made our way 30mi back to the airport to make it just in time for me to get my stuff but to sufficiently screw over the other person who's bag i had. Oh well.

Chowed down some Checkers after not eating for like 10 hours, picked up some beer and Sailor Jerry and pretty much drank and watched No Country for Old Men till we passed out. SO here I am sitting on the porch in FL drinking Miller High Life and having grapefruit from the backyard for breakfast.

ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!!!

the mighty patriarch

2008-03-05T09:50:00.003-06:00

in families, usually more traditional ones, heads of the family come and go. someone who is a prominent member of the family for one reason or another be it money, leadership, popularity etc. usually holds this position. at one time it could be said my father was this person, well-liked by most of the family, social, and had a good head on his shoulders at least in my eyes. now with my father in the state he's been in this is definitely no longer the case. now I find myself having conversations that I have no desire to partake in. often unavoidable but always undesirable.

with my work schedule the way it now is (see previous posts) I have little to no time to be dealing with much other than getting myself through the days and weeks. so now my brother has chosen to step practically from the shadows to reign over this situation. I can't help but be nervous over the whole thing. for him to not have anything to do with my dad for over a year, to now be dictating every single aspect of his life is somewhat disconcerting. to see him and my uncle squabbling over my fathers last rights and material possessions at a family dinner made me want to have nothing to do with either one of them so my attention remained focused on my little nephew who i'd take hangin out with over the rest of them any day. it sickens me more to have him throwing his wife's money around like it was his clearly trying to be a hotshot and position himself as such. now with him in control of everything that is, was, and will be my fathers. i find myself even more nervous for dad and everyone else involved in this as I was not even considered in decisions to become at least joint power of attorney for dad. I didnt see him sitting with dad all day sometimes, cooking and feeding him, not once.

sure, he's got a hell of a lot to make up for over the years so he should be doing it sooner than later but I can't help but question his motives sometimes. especially when he has the gaul to knowingly call and wake me up after two hours of sleep and then proceed to give me shit about helping him. sounds somewhat selfish to me, doesn't it? seems like you took it upon yourself in the matter, why are you bitching to me? especially when you know my situation. guess time will tell and hopefully what's truely best will be, for all of us.

you sir are no patriarch, you are my brother.

a la noche

2008-03-05T09:37:00.002-06:00

ugh so it's been quite a while since I really had anything worth commenting on but i think now it might be overdue. so this past week has been interesting working overnight is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. some would love the idea of working late nights and sleeping well into the day. it rarely works out as carefree as it sounds.

this past weekend i had the luck of coverage so as to not have back to back 15+ hour shifts, which are ungodly and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. since the 15 on sunday, i've been working 12-9am everyday this week including today. how, you might ask, are you even coherent enough to be writing this? easy, my sleep schedule is shot to hell, i get about 2, 3, 4 hours here and there and the rest of the time I'm left wondering when i'll get sleep next or wondering what the next night perils will be. I think i'm starting to hear pager sounds even when it's not beeping or vibrating, which it pretty much does constantly anyways. with the team down 2 more (soon to be 4) it's only gonna get worse. geeze, I need a new job already? damn.

on the bright side I essentially have a 5 day weekend this week (poppin champagne!!). definitely making the most of that one while I still can. huzzah, two more nights!

bad, better, good.

2008-02-19T20:14:00.002-06:00

talk about a spectrum of extremes...

one week to another I guess, things have been quite tough over the past week or so. been dealing with things I hoped to avoid as long as possible but sometimes (mostly) you don't choose how things go. while still very disconcerting things have improved slightly to where dad is at least getting the help he needs. it's weird seeing him where he is and talking to him and somehow understanding him less these days than before. only time will tell now how things will go over the next few weeks for him and us.

a good night out with the team friday (flickr), an overdue need to let off a little steam. despite finding myself in the car quite a bit it was a rewarding weekend. got lots of things done, bought some essentials that were also overdue.

and then the week started... started slow, lots of the usuals at work. truly making it tough here to be happy about where I'm at right now. I had put in for some of the days I had coming to me but to my dismay they were rejected. one, possibly for good reason, but the other I genuinely got screwed on. now I will miss out on a day with my family friday and also the possibility of not having to work 11 days in a row, day into night and two 15hr shifts. ugh, i can complain about that right? that made my day.

then what really made my day was just a cluster of good things actually happening to me for a change. got my new bed, awesome. got my part for my car in the mail, also awesome. finally got my guitar back from the shop after not being to use it for months and 2 weeks in for work, fucking awesome. aaaannnd I got lots more tv for less than what I was paying before, thanks RCN... you're still screwing me but I do enjoy my tv and intarwebs, totally awesome. gonna ride this one out till morning when i should awake refreshed and rested for a change... then the cycle starts all over again and I know it probably won't end as well as this one.

this is no swan song, no long good night

2008-02-13T18:36:00.002-06:00

in life there are very few things are entirely inevitable. it's a common cliche that nothing in life is for sure except death and taxes. so we all at some time face death be it our own or that of people we've known and many we've loved. the most important thing is what we do in life that not only defines us as the human race but as individuals.

things today are very different than in the past, we've made great strides to eradicate diseases and the strife that comes along with many of them. we have a long way to go. it's entirely unfair for us to have to suffer through illness for which there is no cure nor one in sight. diseases like cancer, parkinson's, amongst others. the most familiar to me being multiple sclerosis.

i sit on the eve of having to tell my 57 year old father, a man who was always a very healthy, able-bodied person that he has to go to a assisted care facility because after the latest complications from this awful disease he can't go home, at least not yet. though he's sternly against it, he is at a point where there is no choice for him. no one is ready to see him go anywhere and this may be the only alternative. even though it may only prolong what may be coming sooner than later. it is still the best choice for him and all of us who love him. we all eventually lose our parents but i'm not ready to lose mine. in many ways this disease has already taken him from me and aged him beyond his years.

i taught myself how to ride a bike at age 13 because dad was never healthy enough to when i was growing up. then to go from playing catch with him in our backyard to having him only be able to get around using a walker. i often resent having to go away for school to better myself while he slowly deteriorated to the point of being bed ridden and confined to his small bedroom. it's no way for anyone to have to live let a alone someone this proud, this selfless, who always has and continues to put the welfare of others before his own.

you will never read this pops but you have to know that i love you more than anyone could love their parent. i thank you for every chance you've given me, all you've taught me and above all being a great friend and a father. though not always perfect, you are more than most could have hoped in a parent. it's time though, you have to come first this time. it definitely hurts me as much if not more than it does you, i know you don't want this but please don't resent me for it, i'm sorry.

frustrated incorporated

2008-01-31T22:17:00.001-06:00

put me outta my misery.

nothing like working 10 (soon to be 11) days straight 7 of which will have been the most stressful of my life. this weekend is so highly anticipated and i'm surely going to try to make the best of every minute i have. tough week, tough night.

tomorrow is another day and so is the day after it. that is all that matters and ill have made it through this stretch only to see what the next long one brings.

I do Believe

2008-01-27T00:25:00.001-06:00

Ah yes, there are indeed angels on earth. I don't think I really believe in them but seeing what i saw would convince even the greatest skeptic.

wow, sweet dreams indeed.

haunted...

2008-01-20T17:16:00.000-06:00

...by the ghost of what could have been.

more often than not lately i've felt a sense of stagnancy in my life. i'd have to say that in general things have been goin pretty well for me. solid job, through stressful at times, but what job isn't? i guess i can't really complain much about that.

what i can complain about is my stalled social situation. a couple of months ago i was feeling extremely lost and wondering where i should go from where i was. i dug myself out to a certain extent but relatively firmly planted my ass on a bar stool and fell into shot glasses and draft beers. over the past month or so i've probably been more drunk than sober, probably a coping mechanism but it did lead me to some new people. once again though i'm left wanting. wondering how to get myself back into something good again, something to be 100% about, something right. wondering what to do next.

nothing is perfect. this is a fact i'm well aware of but identifying what's a good thing and what's not is tough. i had what i thought was a good thing for quite awhile but things change and all there really is left is memories and wonderings if things could have been any different... and also if it could be that good again.

kinda lost again, oh well time will tell i suppose eventually i'll figure something out and in the meantime get by and try to keep this whole work thing manageable.

jokingly of course...

2008-01-10T10:58:00.000-06:00

...i think i have a problem with gadgets,

Dear girl with the iPhone watching movies on the Purple line to Madison,

the first thought that came to mind glancing over to you holding the phone as you watched your movie,

"you dirty girl, yeah? stroke that iPhone...yeah just like that..."

hahah she totally was and that was a silly thought, and no, she wasn't even very attractive and had a wide ass

every minute i have needs to be made up

2008-01-09T18:43:00.000-06:00

well for obvious reasons i've never really chimed up about my newly discovered 'corporate' life i now live. only now have i really been there long enough to get any kind of feel for what it's really like. i've learned it's a lot of chaos, where only a select few have the answers you're looking for and getting them is metaphorically something out of an Indiana Jones movie and long days make it feel almost as epic.

you know how it is, always seeking that golden truth but having to overcome treacherous obstacles in your way. granted, i don't have any poison arrows whizzing by, or giant boulders and indigenous people chasing after me but it can sure feel that way. today for example, my computer died about an hour in, that sucked. while that was getting fixed it turns out that another manager, one in charge of another website i've sort of taken some forced responsibility for, is after ME for answers. so what do i do, i hunt. run as many queries as i can think of off the database and hope that something meaningful gets fed back to me. so while struggling to get the comp. set back up im trying to get other issues straightened out as well, ugh.

also going on this week is the first of the 'new hire primary' shifts. luckily i dodged this one for a week with Miguel taking the first hit for a change. with him as the daily on-call person this week it's the first real taste of what this job is all about in an action packed 8 hour pager-fest. anyone with a fondness for constantly vibrating communication devices i highly recommend this job. the sad news is, i've been trying to juggle at least two other projects and open issues all while trying to see how the shift is done so when my head's on the choppin' block next week i come out the other side alive. gonna be interesting.

on a last note, the people. i've actually been pleasently surprised in the fact that most of the people, though older than me, are great people. generally really helpful, nice and fun to joke around and hang out with. i think my boss and the team lead my be a bit hard to read at times, but generally good as well. long as things get done, and they get done right otherwise you can expect to hear about it in some way or another. the reason i've really thought about this one today is partially due to the day itself today and also because our first real group outing is tomorrow after work for food and drink. not entirely sure what to expect yet from this crowd. my only hope is that i'm not the one making an ass outta himself during it, which unfortunately, is extremely possible. gonna try my best not to though and see what kinda interaction this is going to be, fun but also probably awkward, we shall see.

hola '08

2008-01-07T23:21:00.000-06:00

been quite some time since i got on and put something up here so i figure i'm overdue. first off, happy new year... 2008 looks to be a year of change for a lot of things. we all know that the future govt. of our country will soon be decided, and we can only hope that we end up having candidates worth voting for. frankly it's been rather tough to ignore with the shift of every news agency and show to the impending election. seems like it's pointless sometimes though.

the weather is already throwing us for a loop, who knows when the last time it was 60 in Chicago in January. was amazing though, couldn't have come at a better time in my mind. it did have to up and rain though, which has been kinda lame though with some pretty spectacular lightning at the moment.

as for me, '08 has already started in an interesting way. not quite sure what to make of it all yet. not at all what i would've hoped it would be. not a big deal though, some disenchantment and uneasiness about things but i'm sure it'll pass soon or work itself out.

despite the fact that things are generally going well for me with work, it's gotten somewhat tiring already and that was probably too soon. more vacation please. hahah. speaking of which, sleep time... more later.

oh the snow!

2007-12-15T23:02:00.000-06:00

been comin down all day now. definitely no reason be out at all tonight though bored as all hell inside. i cleaned, it's sad. it's alright though, last night was wild enough to need a recoup day at least. was so much fun though ;-) cheers to new things!

street cred

2007-12-11T00:40:00.000-06:00

totally in search of some, bound to happen sooner or later. I think I managed to take some steps in the right direction tonight. although, I could just as easily end up creepy as all hell. ehe at this point i'll totally take either. a good night, good times.

there is no breath worth holding

2007-12-02T23:20:00.000-06:00

idling by is no way to go about the day, week, etc. it's all about seizing the moment. making the best of that moment and enjoying it while it lasts, in most cases it's already passed. the more you can accomplish this everyday the better, it should be a strong determinate in the decisions of your life. so no more idling, no more breath-holding, only seizure.

chase this light

2007-11-27T22:32:00.001-06:00

1st- amazing album, was skeptical but now I feel the vibe and while it can bring me to my knees emotionally, it can also be a guide.

2nd- an inspirational feeling, there is a metaphorical tunnel in which I walk at this very moment. who knows where it leads and what guides me, but I will soon enough and i'm in no hurry. one foot after another, it gets brighter.

3rd- a stern re-dedication to stepping up and finally getting some ink that finally has some meaning. a forever reminder that it is possible to rise from ashes be they metaphorical, actual, or emotional. with every great ending comes a greater beginning .

~flickr update (jew rxbandits 'cuse dudes and some summer faves), enjoy~

week 1, down.

2007-11-24T23:12:00.000-06:00

this week has been such a bizarre one. i'm glad it was as quick as it seemed. just gotta take it all a week at a time and eventually the ability to really settle in this new place a total possibility. don't get me wrong, while it hasn't really hit me yet , I still know that the grind will get to me soon enough. for now though I'm definitely out to make the best of this enjoy it, and to learn and grow.

so far from where I was...

2007-11-22T18:53:00.000-06:00

...a week...a year ago. it's ridiculous how fast things can change in your life. I can look back to where I was a week ago tonight, having the night of my life, and enjoyed where I was at for moment but the moment has passed. since, I now have a real job and lost a friend. don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed working despite how daunting it can be at times. that is a glimmer where there once none but that overall life light has dimmed quite a bit.

or years ago when thanxgiving was more than a depressing chore of a day. when it was about family regardless of how dysfunctional or chaotic. it was something that I had all but forgotten about until about 3 years ago when I attended my first real family thanxgiving in years. it's something I might not have even believed existed anymore until I was there. however, once again it's gone and tomorrow i'll be working the day after thanxgiving for the first time since high school. least I won't be lifting any boxes.

change happens so fast, seemingly overnight, and how you deal with it is what defines you as a person. i'm still looking to define this, and redefine myself in the process.

systems, jargon and corporate laptops

2007-11-20T22:11:00.000-06:00

well today has certainly been interesting. spent all day requesting access and installing new programs on my new company lappy. today was certainly a reality check of sorts though. proved to me just how little I know as everything I did and saw today was completely foreign without much direction as to what any of it really is. very daunting, and very greek. all good though.

oh well, more disappointment ends the night for me.

day 1 down!

2007-11-20T00:32:00.001-06:00

well so today went pretty well despite a missed alarm and awful traffic. I managed to learn quite a bit, meet new co-workers and tour the huge campus that is Sears. it's definitely going to be a really exciting job and i'm totally looking forward to more. not nearly as scared anymore of this fresh start thing i'm working on. having some solid ground beneath my feet for a change will do me quite well. so tomorrow i get to enter the world of corporate laptops and cubicles, what fun! bed time now, it's been a long eventful day.

what it feels like to be a ghost

2007-11-18T07:57:00.000-06:00

pretty much how i'm feeling. i don't think i've ever fallen this far in such a short time. i have basically ceased to exist in some of the most important eyes of my life. i've never been so scared in my life. i sit on the brink of an entirely new life and the rock of what i used to have has completely disappeared. i have no one to turn to anymore and not much of anywhere to go. i don't think i've even been more disappointed in my life or more disenchanted than now. it's pretty much like a ton of bricks hittiin you, smashing anything you've had, and coming back for more as it repeatedly backs over you leaving you mostly for dead. i'm now a ghost floating somewhere in between the waking world and a lifetime of dreams. pretty much gone from an awesome weekend to the deepest depression i will probably ever have. if i see myself through this it might be a miracle if i don't and i've truly lost myself it's tough to even say what will happen. the next week and month will become the most difficult i have ever experienced the promise of goin through it alone is probably the worst of all. what has happened to me? i've lost pretty much everything i've ever loved and have nothing to show but a lot of seemingly empty memories and so many questions that are totally unanswerable.

good dudes, good brews, good times

2007-11-17T12:49:00.000-06:00

so the crew rolled in at 5am yesterday, we passed out and started our day at about noon or so. snagged some chipotle burritos to start the padding and made it to the hidden shamrock. we enjoyed some games and brews prior to heading out to see the rx bandits and a host of others at the metro. the show was sorta lackluster up to the headliners which had a whole lot of energy. definitely ditched my gadgets for a bit and made my way into the pit which was wild. it's been a long time since i was in something that crazy, totally fun.

went out in wrigleyville with the dudes after the show and hit a few bars before ending the night at the Uberstein. when they say uber, they totally mean it. awesome, hit the spot. last but not least, how could they come to chicago and not hit up the wiener's circle for a chi-dog and a chocolate milkshake :-O

amazing!

2007-11-16T01:40:00.000-06:00

yeah pretty much the best night in a long while, hands down. if i had asked for it to go this well, it still wouldn't have. ridiculously fun, thanx to all who made it happen. ;-)

...last weekend of freedom blowout starts with a blast! to be continued....

the end draws near

2007-11-12T00:07:00.000-06:00

i honestly can't think of more fitting title for this post. it's completely applicable for so many aspects of my life in this moment and coming week. what started as an optimistic weekend with celebrating the new job, dad's b-day and M's return has left me feeling very sad and kinda hollow inside. don't get me wrong, i did find fun with dad, finally got him his grill, and was able to get out sat. to do some celebrating which was nice. in many ways though, anticlimactic seemed a recurring theme.

definitely learned an awful lot about who and where i am these day as well as others in my life. gaining insight is always good. you should never stop learning and getting better understanding and perspective is as well, not always easy though i've found. at this point a domino effect has been set in motion where things are going to get tougher long before they get easier starting with tomorrow. definitely see some hurtin of the mind, heart, and stomach tomorrow. at this point i'm just looking to prevail through the day and if i do it will have been a success, but again marking a migration towards the end of the most significant chapter of my life.

another reason i seem to feel the end nearing is because with the new job comes new responsibilities. the end of the unstructured day and the freedom i've enjoyed now for so long. this will mark a change in my habits and petty much my entire life. extremely exciting but totally scary nonetheless. definitely tough to get the mind to slow down enough to soak it in properly. the good news is that i should be able to make the most out of this last week with a few friends rollin in from syracuse to share in some good food, good music, and great times i'm sure. anyways in the meantime all i can do is wait, and see what happens.

coulda, woulda, shoulda

2007-11-09T00:00:00.000-06:00

i often find myself wondering how i came to be in the situation i now find myself in. i wonder where i could be, with whom, and what i could be experiencing had things gone differently for me. while i have few regrets, i can't help but think these kinds of things when on a thursday night, a once coveted night, i'm sitting alone in my apartment.

if i had scored a particular job, or moved to a different place, would traveling and/or experiencing new things had better suited me? in retrospect probably, mistakes (now blatantly evident) were made, but all there is is the present and all i can do is go with the flow and hope there's some sort of happy ending or near happy ending upon the horizon. there's truly nothing more disturbing than finding yourself losing the once stable ground you stood on. while nothing (no one) is perfect, (again, recurring theme) i can't help but wonder how different things could be. while jealousy plays an almost overwhelming role in this, i yearn for something more and hope that it's obtainable for a change. i want to be truly optimistic but the unknown is scary, and futures are truly decided by the smallest facts and feats.

i could be somewhere else, or returning from somewhere, and have had and exhausting but fulfilling week with camaraderie and some fun. i only hope that i have more to look forward to than the exhausting part. there has to be some thing/one or others out there there to better fill this void. ugh it's tough, im the meantime i'll just keep hoping for the best. continued disappointment and utter disenchantment.

wild days, here and now (and ahead)

2007-11-07T00:54:00.000-06:00

well today has certainly been an interesting one. one filled with total joy and ended with complete and utter frustration. things have moved forward with Sears, they even now want me to start earlier than expected so pending a a drug test and background check (walk in the park) i am good to go on the 19th!!!! wow, it's been so long coming. while completely excited and thrilled, it's totally freaky and mind-blowing. this is unknown territory. sure i've started new jobs and things like that before and done well, but this is truely a new chapter. time to grow up they say, i say sure. it's time, a chance at a new start and a future, while not exactly as planned (like things ever really go that way anyway), completely different and wild.

all that being said, phew! what a relief though temporary as it seems. sleeping tonight will be a difficult task much like it was last night and many nights before. while on one hand i have to stop my mind from racing and trying to wrap my head around this new start in the works, i now also have to figure out the cryptic nature of other events and conversations. oh so frustrated! cause i'm no mind reader just say it, at this point i think i can take/expect almost anything. stranger things have happened i'm sure (see above!).

nights like this...

2007-11-04T01:07:00.000-05:00

you are reminded by not coming home to a completely empty apartment that helps you realize that while you are often feeling alone there is still someone who counts on you. someone who's there to need you and be friendly even for a fleeting moment or two. while not ideal at all times, what with the waking up at awful hours to attend to and feed regardless of size or need, there's a shadow of ourselves to remind us we're human and that regardless we are, in some way, an important aspect of something's life. even if that something has the tendency to chase it's own tail. goofball.

talk about foreshadowing...

2007-11-01T18:32:00.000-05:00

hmm there must have been something to my post last night because sure enough i got the call from sears today. totally got an offer, havent quite accepted yet because i need to take some time and speak with GE tomorrow but things are finally lookin up for meh. we'll see what they have to say and then finally i have to make an actual real life decision about what to do next. shouldn't be too tough since i've been waitin this long. more to come as this story develops.

break out!

2007-10-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

it's undoubtedly true that many times throughout our lives we are left with no choice but to accept things and continue on without much thought or reason. this primarily occurs because much of what dictates how we live is out of our day to day control. we live where we live because of leases or because we know it as home or even because we have no choice. if it was easy we'd all be on the streets living off of bread left on dumpsters or trash from restaurants. but it's not.

i sit on the cusp on uncertainty where, while it has never been easy, days pass with growing difficulty and a feeling of being isolated to a point where i can rarely interact beyond these keys and this screen. it's true that a lot of this comes as a choice where having little to turn to makes motivation a foreign feeling. this feeling, or lack thereof, often leaves little to be desired but what does it mean to desire so much but be unable to obtain what you want? i figure rhetorical questions are for suckers and only i can answer these questions and deal with this situation. most people make resolutions on new years but i find nothing wrong making the best of what's left of this year by making one on halloween, being the darker soul i am these days.

i've already taken steps in reclaiming myself, but now i should do my best to maintain who i am/was. start working out what little i can, eat better and more often, make music, and try to reconnect with people i've never stopped calling friends though out of touch as we are. the next months will surely be trying ones but i'm ready to be challenged again, i need to conquer my own thoughts and fears and break out of the grip i've had on my own mind and try to be genuinely happy and free. it will not be easy.

i started off calling this post 'forced isolationism' but i think i've got it more appropriately named now.

restart and reload

2007-10-30T23:54:00.000-05:00

well that's sorta where things are. got the bright and shiny new OS X up and running finally which was quite an accomplishment. with it comes some of the perils of starting over and making things anew. reinstalling and reconfiguring like crazy. never an easy task. while computers and technology are very different than people, many parallels can be drawn in that, starting one's self over comes with a distinct adjustment period.

this is a time when it's tough to know what to expect on a daily basis. knowing that unforeseen circumstance may arise at any moment can be scary or even overwhelming. definitely more so than the impending all hallows eve. given recent events, there's no exception in my case. i hope that soonish (?) something more can be said for having more of an influence in my restart. GE trip is booked and as it nears i wonder where this start may lead. possibly to the land of beer and cheese... while I certainly have no desire to move again i know that this is completely within my reach and that must take every chance i can. i am ready and will continue to be.

while many negative things have certainly plagued me in the past week/end i'd have to say i've emerged into this week with a great start and have come off of a salvaged weekend. good times were had with friends both new and old alike. definitely a needed diversion and a successful one at that. i'm not entirely pleased about where i'm at but i feel like i've at least taken steps to move forward. i feel like i can once again reign myself in and continue on positively and absolutely, starting with taking back control over my feelings. gotta see how it goes, already feeling a bit weird/ill but i know it can be managed, more soon...

(very) cautious optimism

2007-10-23T00:56:00.000-05:00

well things are finally progressing and as i spoke of before, i have an interview with Sears tomorrow and GE in november. i can only hope that things go well enough to get me a little closer to employment. i'm surely willing to trade the daily stresses and perils of work life to the current ones i have. meanwhile i wait for these and other submissions to pan out it may be time to seek out other ways to supplement the income a little and make those ends a little closer to meeting. while this may be the last thing i need/want to do it's becoming apparent that it might be necessity. more on that later...

additionally i feel pretty good in general. i've felt pretty insecure the last few weeks but despite this the only thing i worry about is my social situation. i'm not getting out much and that's a bit disconcerting but i'm limited primarily because of the monetary happenings but not much i can do there. emotionally i feel stressed and perpetually frustrated and unsure of where i really am or stand these day. however, i'm definitely far from wrecked, which is still good. staying afloat is good. we'll see how the next few weeks go and go from there.

hopefully something positive can happen somewhere down the line in the near future as i'll pretty much take any boost i can get right about now. speaking of now... i'm gonna re-attempt this whole 'sleep' thing i've heard so much about.

whirlwind.

2007-10-17T02:29:00.000-05:00

well it's been a long time since a post. since then been busy with birthdays, blue man group (see flickr), drinking (also see flickr), sports (poor cubs), catching up on tv and the ep's i've missed, the usual job hunting (failing), and trying to make the ends meet. it's all been quite a whirlwind indeed.

things are going ok though. got some decent leads with jobs namely GE and Sears. while these seem unlikely employers to some they actually pose a great opportunity given the right circumstances. we'll see how they turn out.

one breakthrough i managed to have tonight was to finally perfect some new navigation menus for mom's new site design, one of the things that has been a stumbling block since i started the re-design. all i need to do now is finalize the design and start breaking out the site and putting it together.

for now though, i sleep. more to come soon enough...

phew, that was a long one!

2007-09-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

well i've reached the end of a long and pleasently eventful week. eventful may be the key in this one. everything started out great with a wild adventure to the jerry springer show. definitely not all it seems these days but silly fun nonetheless. lots of clapping and chanting leading to sore hands and throats. well worth the... well, cause, i suppose?! (as if there was one)

managed to get back on track with work stuffs to keep up with the mounting stacks of requests that always seem looming these days. which i don't mind too much since i should be putting in at least what i get out, especially at this place in time. it can be frustrating though when the system's not working just right and moving forward becomes and impossible forest of currupted and missing attachments.

wednesday was cause for cautious optimism. had a decent day, met with a recruiter who may be able to help me track down some leads and help me to get my foot in the door places so that i might be able to more forward some more. jobs=good! spent some time hangin around town with M before she had to roll to a work event. did some shoooopppinnng (well she did), and i got to play in the apple store for a bit with some of the new toys.

so depsite a growing uneasiness i began feeling i had a good post-interview time and stopped off at the bar around the corner and had a few drinks, goood times! later on that evening after the buzz had all worn off i made my way out to the cousins' place for some dinner and reminiscing. sometimes i forget how long i've been gone and how much things change over time. i guess it's easy to get caught up in your own life enough not to realize others around you changing too. everyone's older, wiser, and easier to relate to, myself included. it makes the new completion of another year under my belt that much more apparent looming in the near distance. a truly unique experience which only got better into the night with some surprise and much needed silliness, good old fashioned silly... i always miss and welcome it.

fast forward to now, we've managed to celebrate a little bit on M's day though dampered by the start of the new week and general lack of particpation on most everyone's part. i hate to feel like im the reason for all the sleepiness but there seems to be some slight correllation. while not entirely serious, i do think that there must be some way to generate more interactiveness and make stuff happen by doing. tough to explain and probably tougher to solve, if indeed solvable.

to end on a positive note after such a long catch up, i feel good. i have no doubt that i'll sleep well but that tomorrow should hope to productive and fruitful. i've gotta get out there, make this happen and move forward no matter what it takes.

huh?

2007-09-06T00:43:00.000-05:00

what happened tonight? that was kinda strange... feels weird. not sure why but something feels 'off' again. oh well... another day goes by.

...added flickr...

and done.

2007-09-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

well another long day but i think tonight sleep will find me a little easier. definitely been awake for a long enough time today and also managed to move through some of my work that's been piling up. not really sure what else is going on but i definitely wish i did though. gonna try some more tomorrow though and see about jobs and trying to make a break for whatever's next for me.

arrrgh!

2007-09-04T01:58:00.000-05:00

well while i'm pretty much sleepless thus far on what has turned out to be a pretty long day, i can tell that this short week is gonna end up being quite a long one. i've accomplished little productively this weekend because of some of the non-stop action and drama that usually intercepts me somewhere down the line.

it's relatively obvious that the stress and anxiety that are building is directly contributing to this sleeplessness. i guess i'm feeling it because of how unfocused i feel at the moment. the mounting work, loneliness, and other everyday stressors are all adding to the feeling. something stabilize already!!!

if i can get up and get going after i've moved my car that would be a huge plus and a kick in the right direction... let's shoot for that...

duck that!

2007-09-02T01:09:00.000-05:00

yeah so who knew a company as large and publicly notable is basically a pyramid scheme of selling. while tempting to potentially have a decent paycheck for once, the fact that i could also not be making much at all depending on how i do is somewhat troublesome. so i think i'll probably be taking a pass on that "opportunity" not try my hand at tracking down sales.

oh well... as for everything else right now, i donno. i'm sorta wondering why i always seem to be in some state of flux in my life. never seem to have anything too stable to lean on cept myself and a few select others. i would kill for stability. worrying about money and a job, relationships, and everyone/thing else has just gotten so old. pretty tired of worrying about making rent and bills and what others are out doing without me, it's all such crap. i should start buying lottery tickets, i might have better luck with those... doubtful though...

long day

2007-08-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

no end in sight thus far... probably gonna be a long night too. good things today though helped along some of the anxiety and monotony. least the lappy is up an runnin and back in business. well, should be interesting to see what tomorrow brings. should be interesting at the least...

...more later...

sin·gu·lar·i·ty

2007-08-22T00:24:00.000-05:00

singularity:
–noun, plural -ties for 2–4.

the state, fact, or quality of being singular.

a singular, unusual, or unique quality; peculiarity.

Mathematics. singular point.

Astronomy. (in general relativity) the mathematical representation of a black hole.

in simple terms, these all are obviously similar but each has a slightly more extreme, bleaker, feel than the previous. interestingly amusing and provoking, considering...

so tonight after a bust alumni meet up, at the zoo no less, brief reality tube and dvd breaks i'm gettin hopped up on caffeine, listening to new Mae and trying to accomplish everything i didn't get done today. the new Mae album, aptly called singularity, got me on the subject. not bad thus far...

before i get too deep (if not already too late) i should at least try to be more productive while i wrestle with thoughts and my general disenchantment, back to work.

and again

2007-08-14T06:27:00.000-05:00

well for the second time in less than a week i've found myself awake at this ungodly hour. could be worse though i could be trying to find a parking spot for my stupid car now parked like a mile away. least i know where it is ...ugh. i'm not even really sure what to say other than i can probably expect to have more of these sleepless times ahead. least me, the cat, and my busted hand are awake to see the wicked storm outside with all the thunder and lightning i probably would have missed otherwise. in addition to this i'm trying to be productive at this hour with some early morning job applications.

burning the midnight oil...

2007-08-07T00:26:00.001-05:00

...under/over-used? who knows... but thats where i'm at this evening. been swamped and a little overwhelmed over the past week. so now i gotta make an some kind of attempt at productivity. it's kinda obvious how that is going considering i'm writing this post. oh well, i should try to get at that and get some rest. a foreseeably busy day tomorrow, could go either way definitely too soon to tell at this point the way things have been going.

lincoln park

2007-08-04T22:07:00.000-05:00

that's right i spelled it right... not the band. that's where i am these days, diggin the 'hood when i can find myself a parking spot and actually recall where i park (DOH!) rough though no matter how I look at it but doable i guess. me, this cat, and my tv will make do as best we can. somehow though i think she will end up eating better than i do... but having silverware will help with that...

wrestlemania

2007-07-29T00:39:00.000-05:00

i've never been much for wrestling, well maybe when i was little in the days of sgt. slaughter and the junk yard dog, but feelings have got to be the everyday equivalent to hulk hogan.

just another week

2007-07-28T13:56:00.001-05:00

as another week comes to a close everything is tracking relatively well, especially in terms of time. while some things have seemed to move at a numbingly slow pace others have flown right by. with the move coming up I often worry what things will be like afterwards for me but am cautiously optimistic about getting acclimated to new surroundings and routines.

jimmy eat world was kinda wild, not exactly what we expected or hoped for but still one of the most amazing shows i've ever been to. the place was way fancier than anywhere i've ever seen a show and seemingly fitting for the semi-acoustic lounge-like set that the band rocked out. the sound was dead on though, like i was listening to the recordings. so while disappointing, good friends and good tunes, and we rode around on buses... yay!

a last sidenote, i finally managed to get a relatively new site design worked up for mom's site. now comes the fun of figuring out the menus and finalizing the design.

well adjusted...

2007-07-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

...and why i'm not? i donno, ive been through more in my first 25 on this planet than most, yet somehow i feel i'm still relatively lost in terms of who i am and what to do with my life. now i realize it's early in the grand scheme of things for me yet, when i reflect, i find little experience to draw on to serve as example for moving forward. while the past holds several important lessons that i will surely never forget, i still find it hard to believe i am where i am these days. one way or another things will change and when they do only then i'll figure out what this was all about. why i have endured and persisted despite constant setback and often failure. dont get me wrong, while i feel somewhat of a failure these days i know that it's not entirely true (again referring to my life) i have still accomplished more in these short 25 to only hope that the next 25 will be uplifting and twice as fulfilling. another day passes and i often still find myself waiting for time to come and speed things along. while i'm in no rush to reach the end of my mortality i simply wait for that much-needed momentum to progress me along in a positive way.

'tis a start

2007-07-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

hey so i officially have a sweet place, awesome tv, DISHES!, and a shower curtain...

all i need now is that ever-elusive job to supplement a new beginning. in due time though im sure. it's tough to predict how things will go from here on out but the next big thing on the horizon is the move. not looking forward to the process of that. nothing is worse than picking up and starting all over again. settling and re-settling could very well be one the worst experiences, ever. things rarely go as planned and the hassle is usually more than it's worth at least in the short term.

on the plus side, upcomming distractions include wrigleyville (today) and jimmy eat world this week. totally psyched for both. the last time i saw JEW was a completely different experience from previous shows and was somewhat overshadowed by an even more amazing proformance the same day by something corporate (if you get a chance to see SC or the Jack's Mannequin side project do it, it's an amazing high energy show). in my experience though, JEW loves to play chicago. they have a big following here in chi-town and always play up to it, awesome!

silliness!

2007-07-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

this is what happens when work is slow and you have way too much time on your hands. rediculous.